Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is
the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog
Rule Number One:
The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who sleep with
dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment
necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed -- with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.
Rule Number Two:
Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you cling to the
edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins snore at a
volume you would not have thought possible. Once that happens your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running," lots of eye movement and then suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boone cap.
Rule Number Three:
The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night creeps on and
you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dog flesh sleeps--breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could
romp all over your sleeping bodies -- or the ever-loving insertion of a
tongue in an unsuspecting ear.
Rule Number Four:
When the dog wakes -- you wake. So, why do we put up with this? There's
no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps
together at night -- safe, contented, heavy and loud.