My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I
am at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for
no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then
come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down
the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in
the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top
of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of
the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and
fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race
outside to chase leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into
the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how
graceful I am.
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I
am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if
there is something in it.
If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has
to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered
creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg
instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my
scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the
house. It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will
not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out. I
will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She
can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me
smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it
as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs"
while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one
of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the
air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's
on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms
are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my
I am a walking static generator.My human doesn't need
my help installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by
stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial
button. I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay
in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a
frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next
door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't
laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the
guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be
allowed to remain in its bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect
it to stay there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will
start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and
"Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like
"MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss
her on the nose at 2:00 a.m.to tell her that she is forgiven and can
now pet me.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight
guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live
cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.